I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
