No stitches, just platelets and will power
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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