Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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