What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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