I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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