I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
