The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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