I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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