My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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