So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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