you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
