Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I could make wine with my vomit
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
