If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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