woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
