we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
