I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
