Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
