Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Randomize
