WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
