I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
