I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
