i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
