a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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