I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
