I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
