First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
BRING THE BAGELS
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
