even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
