Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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