Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
