Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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