My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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