I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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