True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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