Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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