This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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