Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
