just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
