I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
