just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
