I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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