She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
