I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
