I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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