I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
