I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
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He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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