at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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