We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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