i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
