I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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