She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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