sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
