so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize