Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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