Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
